Agrabahn Viper
by J. D. Roxburgh
Summary: This is a crack fic written under the influence that I find hilarious - I can only apologise! So yeah...total crack fic although it doesn't start out that way M rated for language and...*ahem* implications. And yes I am as subtle as a brick :D Please let me know what you think as a newb to this fandom I'd love pointers as to their characters etc!
1. Chapter 1

Emma Swan, Sheriff of Storybrooke, Maine, glanced around anxiously scanning the edge of the forest and squinting into the darkness to try and spot any eager eyes watching her. Her ears pricked up at the rustling of leaves and her hand travelled down to her hip but instead of finding her weapon she grasped at empty air. "Shit!" she hissed into the cold night watching the steam get swept up by the breeze. She stilled and surveyed her surroundings again. Satisfied she was alone she turned to face the heavy door. She dropped to her knees and retrieved her lock pick kit from her red leather jacket pocket and positioned herself in front of the lock. She began picking the lock and was almost there when she dropped one of the pins she was using. "Shit!" she cursed under her breath again and glanced around to see if anyone heard her or the tinkling of the pin dropping. She grasped the metal once more and blew into her frozen hands. This would have been a much easier task during the day she thought as she moved her head to try and gain some light from the gleaming moon. She paused as she rubbed her hands together in an unsuccessful attempt to make them more agile. She looked back to the road where she had left her Bug parked a way away hidden so no one travelling on the road would spot it – it wasn't the most inconspicuous of vehicles, but then again neither was the cruiser; she didn't have much choice. She thought about going back to get her torch, she was sure she had some gloves in there somewhere too. She quickly shook her head and turned back to her task, wasn't worth it, this would literally take a minute if she was lucky. As the thought crossed her mind she heard the satisfying click and she grinned at herself. She grasped the door handle before taking a deep breath, there was every chance it was booby trapped knowing her adversary – and she did know her too well. She turned the knob and pushed the heavy door open with a wince. Nothing exploded, nothing shot her across the ground so she stood up straighter and gave the door a more forceful shove only to flinch when it creaked loudly and the noise carried on the empty air. Again, she turned to scan the dark tree line but shrugged before stepping inside and closing the door behind her. She made her way down the stairs slowly and the goosebumps began to chase themselves up and down her skin. It was unusual for it all to be open and not hidden from view. _What if she's here?_ That thought made her pause and half turn back to the door. _It would explain why there is no protection spell and the entrance and everything is open._ She winced at the thought of the barrage of abuse she would get if the brunette was here. She chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. _That door was so loud even if I did leave she would know I had been here._ _She could be watching me right now._ She glanced around suspiciously before rolling her eyes and frowning before determinedly carrying on down the stairs. _I'll tell her I left something here…and broke in? Hmm, didn't want to wake her._ She huffed at her flimsy reasoning but kept going, she had come this far. She turned the corner and gasped at the sight in front of her, she had not expected this at all.


	2. Chapter 2

The vault was a mess…well, a mess for Regina's standards anyway – everything was left exactly as she had last seen it when she had had to run out on their latest magic lesson. Emma looked around and smirked, maybe the Queen was a secret slob. She traced her hands lightly over the surfaces, boxes and books. It felt wrong. It sat heavily in the pit of her stomach. It felt like a betrayal and she began to leave when she saw it again. The clasps winked in the light at her and she felt that same nagging feeling as when she had first spied it.

 _"_ _What's that?" Emma pointed over to the lavish ornate box fastened by leather straps and dark buckles as well as a beautiful lock._

 _"_ _Oh that?" Regina waved her hand dismissively "Nothing dear. Now, come you have yet to light this candle."_

 _Anyone else would have listened._ _Anyone else would have believed her._ _But no one else had her super power._ _Regina was lying._ _What could she be hiding in that thing?_ _Emma went back to her lesson but kept glancing over to the box, glances which were noticed by her tutor especially as there was a blush that crept from the bottom of her ear lobes down her chest whenever Emma looked over at it._

The next lesson the box has vanished, and the one after that but Emma couldn't get it out of her brain, she wasn't able to let things go that easily. When she had accidently set some drapes on fire Regina had rushed them outside to stamp on them, and to cool her temper down save more fire destruction. Emma had taken the opportunity to hunt around the vault but the secret box was nowhere to be found. She had taken it away. That was her biggest mistake; Emma had many flaws, especially in Regina's eyes but her insatiable curiosity and quest for the truth was the one that usually got her into the biggest trouble. She pondered that now as she stood in the moonlight flooded vault staring at the oh so tempting secret box. She chewed her lip again and rocked back on her heels. _This is a bad idea._ She knew it was and yet she hadn't left yet. _If she has a spell on this place she'll be here any minute._ Even as the thought crossed her mind her ears pricked up for the sound of heels but didn't get any. _Maybe she's here, somewhere close, she'll catch you. Why else would she leave it unprotected and unattended? Maybe she was interrupted._ That last thought was more alarming than the thought of getting caught. She shook her head, she would know if Regina was in trouble or hurt. They had a magic lesson first thing tomorrow, maybe she just didn't have time to clean up. _She could use magic._ She took a step towards the box and then danced away from it again groaning. _Maybe she left it for you to find…she knows you were looking at it._ Emma considered the idea and took a step toward it. _If she wanted you to see inside it she would have shown you, and wouldn't have hidden it._ The blonde rubbed her hands over her face before sucking it up and walking over to the box determinedly and placing her hands on the top. She paused, and glanced around…no brunette…nothing had blown up. _It could be booby trapped when you open it._ _Just because she's not here doesn't mean it's not a trap._ Emma found herself grazing her finger tips over the ornate decoration absent mindedly as she considered all the possible outcomes. "Fuck it." She whispered and tried the clasps, they came undone easily enough but the lock held the lid in place. She got out her kit again before common sense got the better of her and picked the small lock. As locks go it was a fairly straight forward one and now her hands had warmed up a little she popped it quickly. She took a deep breath and lifted the last latch. She took a half step back and angled her body away from the box before wincing and tentatively lifting the lid. She closed her eyes and waited…there was no shouting…no explosion…she looked down, she still had all her limbs. She grinned and peered into the open box before recoiling in shock. "Oh my…" she gulped as she felt a cold sweat form on her skin. She could feel her hands shaking. She went to close the box again but she needed to make sure she wasn't seeing things, she peered back in and gulped again before shutting the lid carefully but hastily. "Fuck…"


	3. Chapter 3

"Miss Swan!"

The scolding tone broke her daze and she looked guiltily at the brunette. "I- "

"If you expect me to teach you to control your powers I expect you to concentrate!"

She nodded dumbly "Sorry." Her brunette tutor carried on her lesson but Emma immediately zoned out again. She stared over at the end table where the box was no more and did her utmost to keep her breathing steady but it was taking all her concentration to remain normal.

Regina had stopped talking again once she realised the infuriating blonde was no longer listening. She opened her mouth to reprimand her when she followed her sea green gaze and realised where she was looking. She felt a cold shiver travel down her spine. She tried to push the thoughts out of her mind but she couldn't. What if Emma ever found that box? What would she do? The thought was too much for her and she felt faint.

Regina stumbled and Emma broke out of her daze just in time to see the former Queen go deathly pale before her knees gave way beneath her. Ever the Saviour Emma swooped in to catch her, much to the chagrin of the older woman.

"Do get off me Miss Swan! I'm fine!" but even as she tried to stand unaccompanied she felt herself swoon and was silently glad of the strong hands anchored at her waist holding her upright.

Emma climbed off her stool and sat the brunette down before crouching and checking her vitals.

"Do stop fussing Miss Swan!" she tried to admonish her but found her voice lacked the vigour it normally had and she instead sounded frail and unsure. Emma ignored her, shockingly (!) and held a hand in front of her face for her to follow with her eyes. As she did so she felt her concentration wane and she looked into those green eyes that were now swimming with concern. She found her gaze wander to the empty end table where Emma was staring earlier. She narrowed her eyes back at the blonde. _She couldn't have…could she?_

Emma caught the look and paused her hand movements before blushing a deep red "What?"

Regina's nostrils flared and she sucked her lips against her teeth "You!" she hissed.

The venom in the former Queen's voice was enough to make her physically stumble backwards as she tried desperately to school her features but could feel her chest burning as it joined her face in colour.

Once she got over the initial shock she had to admit she did enjoy having the nosey Sheriff on the back foot. She stood from the stool and began to slowly stalk toward the blushing blonde. "Miss Swan. Did you know someone broke in here last night?"

"Oh?" she tried to rip her eyes away from that predatory gaze but she found she couldn't do it.

"Oh yessss." She accentuated the consonant enjoying the way it made the younger woman gulp. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about it now, would you?"

Emma furiously shook her head knowing it wasn't convincing in the slightest.

Regina lifted her chin and looked down at the shaking woman before shooting her a dangerous smirk. "There was only one thing disturbed."

Now Emma found she could rip her eyes away and she looked absolutely everywhere but the brunette's eyes knowing her own would give her away, not that the rest of her was already doing that. "Oh?" she questioned dumbly before eyeing the staircase, she wondered how far she could make it before Regina burned her alive.

"Mmm." Regina mused, secretly delighting in how today had turned out. She had, of course, suspected the blonde woman but she never thought she would be able to catch her so off guard like this. "You know the last person to get into my vault like this was Henry."

At the mention of their son Emma's attention snapped back to Regina and she frowned, she had no idea where she was going with this change in topic. "Henry?"

"Yes. When you and Snow were trapped in the Enchanted Forest, when you met my mother." Despite her concentration being elsewhere the mention of her mother turned her voice bitter and sharp and she didn't relish the way Emma's face softened toward her. "He stole my keys and broke in here, looking for a way to bring you two back."

There was a moment where both women's faces softened at the mention of their son and his heroics. Emma almost forgot what was happening in that moment until Regina pulled out a box and held it out between the two of them.

There it was. Definitive proof as far as she was concerned. The guilt was written all over Emma's face and it took all she had not to laugh but schooled her features before handing the box over to the blonde who held it uncertainly away from her body. "Yes, and he stumbled across a boxxxx."

Emma tried to keep her eyes on the top of the box but she couldn't help but meet those dark devious eyes when she hissed at her. "Oh?" she was sweating with nerves and held the box tentatively, expecting it to explode at her.


	4. Chapter 4

Regina stepped in and closed the distance between the two of them and relished the way that Emma's eyes darkened as she did so and the air between them became charged with tension and electricity like it always did when they gravitated toward one another. She held Emma's eyes as she placed her hands on the lid of the box and fingered the decoration playfully. "Do you know what he found?"

Emma shook her head breathlessly as she felt Regina's breath on her face and could feel the vibrations of her movements through the box.

She stepped forward again pressing the box into Emma's chest as she pushed her chest against the other side, closing the gap between them even more and allowing herself a glance at lips that were being swiped by a quick tongue. "An Agrabahn Viper."

The Sheriff looked warily at the former Queen as she gulped and felt her grip on the box loosen through sweaty hands for a moment before gripping it tightly and praying Regina couldn't feel how hard her heart was thundering against the box. She eyed her warily as the older woman leaned over the top of the box close enough that Emma thought for a split second she was going to kiss her.

"A snake so deadly it can kill anything…. with a single bite."

Emma was ready to black out, the brunette was so close to her she could feel the heat from her lips, her breath against her suddenly dry lips and now couldn't tear her eyes away from plump, red, scarred lips and the thought of a bite from them. It wasn't until Regina gripped the lid of the box with purpose that she snapped out of her reverie and looked anxiously at the older woman.

"Two heads so it can strike in multiple places at once."

Emma watched as a perfectly sculpted eyebrow arched at her and she lost all moisture in her upper body as it was rapidly sent to other places on her body.

The Queen smirked as Emma paled and her pupils exploded. She lifted the lid to the box and slid around the box until her body was pressed up against Emma's and she reveled in the shudder it caused. She dipped her head to the blonde's ear "I know what you did…Em-ma."

Her voice had taken on a whole new level of huskiness and it made Emma's knees weak, let alone hearing the brunette call her by her first name and the way she stretched it out made it sound positively delicious, she'd never been so happy she'd been called Emma. She tried to concentrate on staying upright which was getting more and more difficult as the brunette pressed her body even harder into Emma's as she reached inside the box.

Emma hissed as she brought it out of the box and the noise send tremors down her body. This was a dangerous game she was playing, she knew that but they had stepped across the threshold now and Regina found it impossible to stop. She didn't want to stop.

Emma took in the beast in Regina's grasp and felt the box slip from her hands before she realised what was happening. "And that?"

Regina chuckled hotly into the blonde's ear before darting her tongue out to swipe at the shell of it earning herself a deep moan from the younger woman. "This. Miss Swan. Is my Agrabahn Viper."

She gulped and felt her hands burning now they were empty, she suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of confidence and in a move that shocked them both grasped Regina by her hips and slammed her backwards until she hit a bookshelf. The movement earned her a dangerous growl from the older woman but she could see from the darkening of her eyes that it was a welcome one.

She raised her eyebrow at the movement and delighted in the forceful side of the blonde and found herself growing ever wetter as her imagination began to race. She glanced at her hand where a paler one had joined her own and clutched hers in a symbol of consent. She let out a breathy moan as the blonde moved her lips to the crook of her neck and moved her hand around her own in an arousing manner. "Tell me Miss Swan. What did you do when you discovered my secret?" Hands travelled across her abdomen and up toward her clothed breasts and she bit her lip at the pleasure coursing through her body. She smiled at the nonverbal response she got. "And?"

Emma pulled back from the older woman's pulse point, letting it go with a pop and looked darkly into Regina's eyes before glancing at said secret and smirking before sliding a hand brazenly down the front of the brunette to cup her between her legs roughly. Regina's eyes got impossibly darker and that infernal eyebrow arched again before she growled out her approval.

"Well Miss Sw- "she was stopped by a forceful and incredibly passionate kiss which was over before she even had time to realise it was happening.

Emma trailed her hand up and down the 'viper' and arched her own eyebrow "Your majesty, if you want to use this with me you'd better start calling me Emma."

Regina's mouth went suddenly dry at the implication and she swallowed thickly before moving to her workbench and flicking her wrist tidying everything off it away. "Very well…Em-ma. But don't think I've forgiven you for breaking in…you will be punished…now pick up that harness and get over here."

* * *

 _ **I can't believe this is my introduction to the fandom haha but HI!**_

 _ **I'm new to Swan Queen so would love any and all feedback - via here or social media you can find details in my bio or search jdroxburgh :)**_

 _ **Hope you enjoy and sorry I couldn't help myself!**_


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